Triggered
by boomerbook
Summary: Olivia is keeping secrets. She's not keeping them well. The people around her are suspicious and she seems to be in a downward spiral.
1. Chapter 1

"I want you inside me, now." I grabbed his tie dragging him inside, he kicked the door closed with his foot.

"I think I can make that arrangement." I laugh and look at him. I continue to grab his tie and lead him into the bedroom, throwing him down on the bed in the process. I get on top of him and straddle him.

"Not just yet." I get on my knees and unzip his pants, but before I can do anything he grabs my hair to pull me away and pulls up his pants. "We have to talk." I look at him annoyed and in a little bit of pain. I plop down on the bed next to him.

"What is so very important that you had to pull all the hairs out of my head?" I stay laying on my back and he does the same.

"I am not ignoring what I saw today, Olivia." I close my eyes and let out an audible sigh. He turns over on his side to look at me, and so I do the same.

"Can you please be more specific?" I knew exactly what he's talking about.

"Fine. I can be. You, no we, were in the integration room and you just disappeared."

"That's because I'm half witch." He looks at me un amused.

"Liv, I know what that look was. I've been there. I just want you to tell me what it was that you were thinking about."

"Why, Nick, why does it matter." I sit up on the bed, and he soon does the same.

"You don't want me to say it." I get up, walk to the wall, put my back against the wall, and look at him.

"Say it, fucking says it!" I start screaming at him. Instead of screaming back he just looks at me with sad eyes.

"Olivia, you were having some sort of flashback today. I want to know, for fuck sake Olivia we live together. Just ask yourself, who's gonna drive you home tonight." He knew that would make me crack.

"Nick, I really don't want to talk about it." I look down, averting eye contact.

"You can't go on thinking nothings wrong." He starts singing. "Who's going to hold you down when you shake? Olivia, who is going to come around when you break?" I look at him and let out a little laugh. He pats the bed. With a sigh I sit down. I cross my legs and turn my body and he does the same, we are officially looking straight at each other.

"Can't we at least take our shoes off?"

"Nope, talk to me."

"There's nothing to say. Just drop it. I was thinking about something from a long time ago."

"I'm not that stupid. I've been noticing some stuff."

"Yeah, like what?"

"Since I have come back you have not done anything that involves you getting naked in front of me. You've changed, I just want to touch you, but every time I do I see your fist clench and you tense up." I look at him with tears stinging my eyes. "Let me see you. I say this in the most unsexual nature possible, let me see you naked."

"Nick, you don't want to." My heart rate has exceeded the natural human level.

"Liv." He puts his hand on my knee. I get off the bed. I start to undress until I'm standing there completely naked, not even socks.

"Is this want you want to see?" I look down, I can't look at him right now.

"When?" I knew what he meant without any further explanation.

"Friday."

"I was gone from Friday into Monday."

"I promise I didn't cheat Nick. It was nothing like that, please." This is when I really start crying.

"Fuck!" He bangs his hand down on the bed. "I need to take a minute. I'm too upset right now." He gets off the bed and storms out, I hear the door slamming behind him.

I leave my clothes on the floor and decide to get into some new ones. Once I am in pajamas I grab my phone and try to call him. No answer. I try again. No answer. One more time. No answer. I let out a scream and throw my phone. Then, this idea comes into my mind. I get up with a passion. I grab a glass of water from the kitchen and then the bottle of Advil in the bathroom. I get back on the bed. The bottle is almost completely full. I look at the bottle for a minute. Then another minute. I open the bottle. I put the water in my mouth first and then a fistful of Advil. I do this until the bottle is almost done. I go for the last couple of pills, but I just throw those up right into, the now empty, cup. I put the bottle and the cup on the nightstand and get under the covers. I close my eyes knowing what I had just done.

Where this all started, let's start a week ago

"Nick, I'm fucking sorry. You know I'm a fuck up, please talk to me." We're standing in the kitchen, fighting.

"I need to leave for the airport. I can't do this right now." He turns and makes his way into the bedroom and I follow.

"He called me. His mother died, and I got caught up and forgot."

"Liv, you forgot it was our anniversary."

"I already said I was sorry. You know I'm not good with this stuff."

"You were engaged to him!"

"Nick." I move towards him, but he grabs the suitcase next to the bed and leaves the room.

"Can we please drop this for now, I have a lot to deal with." He looks at me with his puppy dog eyes.

"Okay, I hope you can have fun at your sister's wedding."

"I fucking hate my home town, way too many bad memories. I love you, Liv." He kisses me on the lips.

"I love you too." I stand there as I watch him walk out the door.

It was Friday night and he wouldn't be back until Sunday night, well Monday morning. I soon feel a vibration coming from my jean pocket. I take my phone out and look at it. It was Sabrina. She was always the wild one. I had met her through a different friend and we just clicked. It's been about six years now.

I know your hubby is gone for the night, so let's go out

I don't know I'm tired

I'll be at your door in two hours, be ready

I laugh reading her texts. I set an alarm on my phone for an hour and 45 minutes from now and go and take a well-deserved nap.

I hear my phone go off, and I just want more sleep. I found my phone on my nightstand and shut the alarm off. I get off the bed and move to my closet. I decide to wear something sexy, because Nick is always so annoying whenever I do. He's gotten a lot better with his jealousy, but still. Once the dress is I just grab random heels and apply some lipstick and that's about it. It's not like I'm looking to get laid. I soon hear aggressive knocking.

"I'm coming Sabrina." I open the door and I see her standing there.

"We're wearing the same dress. At least not the same shoes." We both laugh. I see her, and she looks like a slut. The dress hugs her tightly, cleavage is intense, and the dress is short enough that if I lean down you can see my panties. "Let me grab my wallet." She grabs my hand.

"Bunny, with that outfit you won't be needing it." We laugh again.

We take an Uber to a club I have never heard of. Once I step into the club I feel naked, uncomfortable.

"I'm going to head to the bar." I sit down at the bar wishing I was not there.

"I don't want to be here either." I look over to see a man I can no longer remember. He just seems like a blob with lines now.

"Is it that obvious?"

"What are you drinking?"

"Surprise me." I smile at him.

I wake up to find myself in a hotel or motel room. Everything hurts, I have a pounding headache. I'm lying in this bed naked and under the covers. I sit up and scan the room to find my dress on the floor with my phone lying on top of it and my shoes next to the dress, I see my underwear not too far away from my shoes. I get up and it hurts to stand up. I need to pee. I walk into the bathroom and there I find a mirror. I see bruises all over me, especially my upper arms. I need to get out of here. I pee, get dressed, and quickly get out of there. Sitting in the lobby I'm getting looks. I call an Uber and wait five minutes. I also respond to all the calls I got from the precinct and told them I was sick.

Once I'm home I slide down the door once I've closed it. I had all the classic signs. But this does not happen to me. I'm a cop. I stare at my phone and debate weather or not to call her. I do.

"Hey Melinda, we haven't seen each other in a while."

"Yeah, I want to see you."

"Can I come over today?"

"Sure, how about five?"

"Sounds great. I'll see you then." I hang up the phone.

" _I can't go with you guys. I need to find my French."_

" _Okay, just come with us this way. Jay." I'm whisked away and led out of the club._

" _No, Sub. She'll be concert."_

" _Trust me when I tell you fighting it will do nothing for you." My head is so heavy._

I'm brought out of my thoughts. I bring my hands up to my face and can't stop the tears.

Once I'm in Melinda's house I can't do the chit chat, I need to get to it.

"Melinda, I need you to do an exam on me."

"Olivia?"

"Today I woke up in a Hotel room, bruised, and sore. I've seen enough of these cases, but to be sure I need an exam. I trust you. I can't do a hospital, please." She can hear the desperation in my voice.

"Okay. We need to go to the morgue though, I don't have my equipment here." I look at her and nod.

I'm lying in a spot many dead people have been. My legs are spread open. I keep telling myself it's just like the OBGYN. It hurts.

"There's a lot of tearing here. There was most likely more than one."

"Melinda, you can't tell anyone. I need to figure this all out." I get off the table and put my clothes back on.

The rest of the day is a blur. The only thing I remember doing is texting two people. One is Amanda telling her I will not make it in tomorrow. The other is Sabrina, asking her what happened last night.

" _Come on just get on the bed."_

" _No." I'm trying to fight the hands holding me still and then throwing me on the bed. I land on my stomach and try to get up, but I'm pushed back down._

" _Police."_

" _They're not coming to save you." I hear the voice whisper in my ear._

" _No, me pepper onion."_

" _I told you it was pointless to fight it, now let's get that dress off you." I feel someone taking my shoes off._

" _Place." I'm picked up again and they take my dress off, I feel cold._

" _Cold."_

" _Let me warm you up."_

I wake up in a panic.

"It's okay Olivia, you're okay." I'm telling myself this like it means anything.

I get my phone and call Nick.

He doesn't pick up. Instead I just start crying in a way I never have before. After I have my little cry fest I grab my phone, wallet, keys, and put some flipflops on. I don't care that I'm wearing pajamas, I need sleep. I know there's a target about two blocks away, twenty-four hours. At three am there are still so many roaming the streets. I walk up to the store and the sliding doors open for me. I feel the air conditioning hit me. I've been to this Target many times before, so I make my way right where I need to go. I get to the isle and scan it. I find it and grab it, making my way to self-checkout. Getting back to my apartment I turn the kitchen light on and throw my keys and phone down. I put the Benadryl down on the counter and get a glass of water. I open the container and then the bottle. I grab two and pop them in my mouth. Now I can sleep. I throw my shoes off and get back into bed. I turn the television on and wait for the drowsiness to kick in.

I'm woken up to Steve Carell yelling something at his fellow employees at Dander Mifflin.

" _I love feeling you squirm under me." He grabs my hair and shoves my head down, he keeps holding my hair forcing me down with his body. I feel him enter me._

" _Sub is locking for me."_

" _Liv, no one's looking for you. Sub watched you leave the club with us."_

 _I feel the tears going down my face. It's getting hard to breathe._

I quickly search for the remote to shut the television off. It's too early for this shit. I get up in a haze and look at my phone. I slept in for a long time, it's five pm. I unlock my phone.

Why are you ignoring me? I keep having these flashes. Something happened that night, and I know you know something. Please.

I don't know why she won't answer me. I decide to call her. No answer.

"Hey, please talk to me. I'm kind of freaking out over here." I put the phone down.

Okay, tomorrow everything will go back to normal. Nick is coming home soon. Everything is going back to normal soon.

The rest of the day is mechanical. I watch television for a while and stare at my phone waiting for her to respond. She doesn't. Instead I just gets texts from Melinda asking me how I am and if I'm okay. I wish I could tell her the truth, but I lie and say it's okay. I wait until ten and take another two Benadryl.

" _I can tell you're enjoying this."_

" _No." I feel his fingers inside me._

" _I can feel it, slut. My turn is over." He gets off me. I try to get up, but someone pushes me back down._

I wake up having to catch my breath. I just want to sleep. I see someone appear in the doorway and come towards me. I'm frozen in fear. Did they come back for another try?

"I didn't think you'd still be awake." Nick.

"Yeah, I heard you come in." He comes to the other side of the bed and I can see him stripping down into his boxers.

"I am so exhausted." He goes to cuddle with me, but I quickly move him away.

"I'm really hot." I put my knees to my chest, laying on my side.

I let the tears hit the bed, but make sure Nick won't know.

"It's time to get ready for work." I wake up to see Nick hovering over me.

"You're going to work?"

"Yes. Now come on get your lazy ass out of bed."

Walking into the precinct Amanda comes over to me.

"You're feeling better?"

"Amanda, what are you talking about?"

"I was a little sick when you left."

"She actually called out sick, she must've been dying." I laugh, and she walks away. I can feel Nick staring at me.

"Sick?" Thanks Amanda.

"I tried calling, but you didn't answer. I guess all is forgiven now, right?" I walk away and go to my desk, wishing I could just scream.


	2. Chapter 2

I wish I could just put my head down and cry. I'm Olivia Benson, I'm strong. I'm strong enough to not let that happen to me. I'm not that person, that doesn't happen to someone like me. I am the definition of a hypocrite. That's who Olivia Benson is now. I open my laptop and pretend to work.

"Benson, Rollins, go down to the hospital we have a victim, here's the case file." He plops it down on my desk.

"Can you drive?" I can't operate a vehicle in this mental state.

"Sure."

I just finished reading the file to Amanda and now it's just awkward silence in the car.

"Olivia, I'm sorry about what happened earlier. I shouldn't have said anything. It's your life." I look down at my hands and take a second.

"No, it's fine. Nick and I have just been fighting a lot lately. It has nothing to do with you."

"Okay. Just know I am here for you."

We get to the hospital and I see myself sitting in that bed.

" _She's going to throw up.'_

" _Trust me, she's not. This isn't our first rodeo."_

" _No." Those are the only words I can seem to get out of my mouth since the weight on me makes me feel like I can't breathe. He's just sitting inside of me. This is more torture than the actual rape._

" _Please moon." I hear laughter._

" _She wants more!"_

"Detective Benson." I shut my eyes, hard, and look at Amanda.

"Don't worry, we're going to help you every step of the way." I give myself a smile.

"I gave you both of our cards. Okay Olivia, we'll be in touch." Amanda starts walking out and so I follow her, running a little to catch up to her.

"Olivia, what was that?"

"I didn't get much sleep."

We're on our way back and there's awkward silence, again.

"Amanda, what if sometimes it really is their fault?" I look at her and I see her eyes bug out of her head.

"I don't know what the fuck is happening. Honestly, I have my own shit going on too. But this, this is beyond having personal issues. I'll let that comment slide, but get your shit together, act like a cop." I move my head so I'm staring out my window.

I open my mouth to tell her. Just tell her all of it, but nothing comes out. It's like I became temporarily mute.

Amanda storms back into the precinct. She sits down at her desk and I go to her.

"I'm sorry." I almost whisper this to her before I go to my own desk and pretend to work again.

The work day ends and so I gather my shit. Nick told me he'll be in the car. I start going towards the door, but someone calling my name gets my attention. I turn and see Cragen coming towards me.

"You know, I noticed you didn't fill out any paperwork today. You actually didn't work at all." He looks at me, waiting for an answer, an explanation.

"I'm sorry, it won't happen again." Before he can say anything more I walk away from him. I hear him calling me but fuck it. Tomorrow will be different. Tomorrow I will have my shit together.

"What took you so long?" Nick asks me this the second I get in the car.

"I had to pee."

"Listen, I'm not mad anymore. I overreacted, I'll admit that."

"Okay." I hear him getting annoyed. He wanted me to say more.

"I'm gonna pick up some alcohol before we head home." My heart starts racing.

"No!" I scream this.

"I don't have a problem. Can we please not have this fight again?"

"I don't give a shit if you're an alcoholic, really. I don't ever want to see alcohol again. This, for once, has nothing to do with you." Because I was drugged and raped, but I didn't say that part.

"Fine. Whatever let's just order Chinese."

We walk through the door and I close it, since I was walking behind him. I go over to him and grab him, kissing him. I pull down his pants and then his boxers. He does not try to stop me. I put him in my mouth.

"I'm not complaining, but what is this for?"

I take him out of my mouth and start using my hand instead.

"To apologize, I've been acting like a real bitch lately. Let's go to the bedroom".

I walk away and make my way onto the bed and he comes in holding his pants up and turns the lights on. No. He'll see the bruises.

"Lights off." I try to sound as sexy as possible. "Close the door too."

"I don't care, I want to fuck you so bad." He takes a second, "You know I love you."

"I love you too. Now come over here and show me how much you truly love me, in the dark." I hear him giggle.

"Is this your new kink and or fetish?"

"Shut up, use your mouth for something else."

"That was fun. I'm exhausted. I quickly put all my clothes back on and turn the light on.

"I'm taking a shower. Order the food, you know what I want." I go to the closet first getting my pajamas, so I can slip into them right after the shower. I get into the bathroom and lock the door. I turn the shower on, making sure the water is hot.

I feel the water with my hand and I feel like I'm being burned. I deserve this though, I deserve what happened. I strip down and get into the shower. The sound of the water running masked my crying. I slide down so I'm sitting on the shower floor.

" _So, Olivia, what do you do for a living?" I finish my drink._

" _I edit and direct videos for a medical company. I'm sorry, I never asked your name." Whenever I say what I do for a living people get weird, so I lie._

" _Tom."_

" _Okay, Tom, what's your job?"_

" _Hey Jay, can we get another drink?" Apparently, that's the bartenders name. "I'm a ceo at a toy company. Not too interesting."_

" _Jay puts another drink in front of me. "I really shouldn't have another. I'm already starting to feel drunk."_

" _Come on." Another man comes and sits on the other side of me. "You haven't even met my friend."_

 _I look at Tom's friend I see him looking me up and down._

" _Wow you are smoking."_

 _I'm blushing._

I hear knocking on the door.

"Liv, the door is stuck."

"I think I locked it by accident, I'll be out soon." I yell this from inside the shower. I grab the soap and start scrubbing. I can still feel them.

I see the food in front of me, but I'm not hungry. I look at him and he's devouring it.

"I'm just gonna head to bed." Before I do I take some Benadryl.

I get into the bedroom, turn the lights off and close the door again, and get under the covers.

I'm woken up to someone cuddling me. All I can feel is them. I quickly push them off me, only to realize it's Nick.

"Olivia?" He sounds groggy and confused.

"Please don't touch me. I'm really hot, overheating."

"You gave me the same bullshit last night too, yet you let me fuck you." He turns away.

All I want is for him to hold me, but whenever he does I just feel them, not Nick. What is wrong with me? I get out of be deciding I need to take another shower.

I keep telling myself, just pretend it didn't happen. Push it away and move on. You're acting weak. Your acting like a victim. You're not a victim because nothing happened. Nothing happened. Tuesday is a new day, it's going to be different.


	3. Chapter 3

Walking into the station I remembered what I did last night. My mind is so cluttered that I managed to forget what I did to Cragen. I pause in my tracks, my anxiety just shot up.

"Is something wrong?" I look over to see Nick at my side.

"Yeah, just trying to remember if I locked the door." I give him a smile and he seems to accept that answer.

The second I step into the bullpen I hear Cragen calling for me.

"Detective Benson, can you please come into my office." I put down my bag at my desk and walk into his office, closing the door behind me.

"You walked away from me yesterday, so I never got any kind of explanation from you. Olivia, I am giving you another chance to tell me what's going on. I want you to know I'm only doing this because you're Olivia. Now, come sit down." I walk over and sit down. He's looking straight at me.

"I really don't know what to say. I am sorry."

"This isn't you. Something is going on and I want to know what it is. It's clearly something big if you can't even work. Not to mention how you called out sick, twice. The Olivia I know showed up to work for a week with pneumonia." I look at him. He's always been like a father to me. I take a deep breath in. I feel something inside me, wanting me to tell him, but at the same time I'm too scared to.

"Uhm. Well. Okay, a friend of mine got ra-, sexually assaulted." I can't look at him and I look down at my hands to see them shaking.

"When?" I continue to stare at my hands, not looking up.

"Friday night." I'm now fighting the tears, I'm always crying.

"What exactly happened to your friend?" He's definitely disappointed in me.

I start running my fingers through my hair nervously, my hands still shaking. "I don't, I don't know. She never told me the details." I feel the tears forming.

"Olivia, I think you do know." He's using his victim voice.

I can't hold it in anymore, I just start crying. "I can't." I wipe the tears from my face.

"My view on your friend is not going to change if I know what happened. Please look at me." I move my head and now we're staring into each other's eyes, I can see the concern in his.

The tears start flowing again. "She was at a club."

"Then what happened?"

"She was drugged."

"What happened after that."

"I can't say it." I put my head down on his desk and continue to cry.

"Look at me." I pick my head up drying the tears and sniffling. "Liv, it's going to be okay." He gets out from behind his desk and hugs me. I hold onto him tight, crying. We stay like this for a while.

When I stop crying and let go he goes back behind his desk, sniffling.

"Are you the only person your friend has told?"

"No, one other person. But that person was told to not say anything."

"Okay. You're sure she doesn't want to press charges?"

"Yes." I say this almost as a whisper, ashamed.

"Is your friend going to or planning on going to therapy?"

"Yes." I lie. Why am I lying?

"Okay, well she can do what she wants. Just know my door is always open." He stops talking a there's just silence.

" _I can tell you're enjoying this."_

" _No." I feel his fingers inside me._

" _I can feel it, slut. My turn is over." He gets off me. I try to get up, but someone pushes me back down._

"Also, for what happened yesterday, you will be on desk duty until Friday. This will give you a chance to catch up on your work and then some." I get up to leave.

"But my door is always open. Not just my office door, but my home one too." I nod my head and walk out, closing the door behind me.

I sit down at my desk.

"What was that?"

"Nothing, Amanda. This goes for everyone, leave me alone." I announce this to all my coworkers.

I get out my headphones and plug them into my laptop. It's time to do some work. I open my laptop, and for a second I see my reflection. Who am I anymore? I open my desk draw and get out the DD5's that need to be done. I start working.

" _We're done here."_

 _The world is getting dark, and it's getting harder and harder to keep my eyes open. I feel a weight on me again. I don't care what they do anymore._

" _I own your pussy." I hear that voice whisper to me. He then kisses my check and the weight is lifted._

 _I hear footsteps and then a door close. I finally give in and let the darkness fully consume me._

"Olivia." I jump up, ripping the headphones out of my ears. "It's time to go home." It's only Nick.

"I fell asleep?" I get up, wiping the drool off my face.

"Yeah. I didn't want to wake you, because you look so cute when you sleep."

"Weirdo." We start walking out.

"Oh, I'm the weirdo. You put ketchup on your pizza."

"We're playing this game? Okay. You don't use the same soap I do. You have a separate one that you put in one of those travel containers."

"Hey! It's hygienic." We both laugh.

Maybe this could work. Maybe it can be like it never happened.

"So, are you going to tell me what happened with Cragen today?" Nick walked into the kitchen and threw his keys down.

"Nothing, he put me on desk duty." I walked into the family room, sat on the couch, and turned on the television.

"Wait a minute." Nick comes over and shuts the television off and sits down on the couch.

"It's been a long day, I just want to relax." I pick up the remote to turn the television back on and Nick grabs it from my hands.

"Liv, I want to know what's going on in your life. I feel like you shut me out. I see you and you're clearly going through something, but you're hiding it from me. Please, just let me in. I deserve that much." I look at him. He doesn't even seem angry, just sad.

"Okay. The reason I was late coming to the car last night was because I got into a fight with Cragen."

"Over what?"

"Just paperwork stuff. Either way, I am not on desk duty until Friday."

"Why was that so hard to tell me?" He looks at me with a cocky smile.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah you're the best."

"You know I am." He scooches over and wraps his arm around me, but I still don't feel safe.

I have this feeling that they're going to come back. That thought just sits in the back of my mind. Everywhere I go I'm waiting for them to come back. He leans in and kisses me on the lips.

I close my eyes and all I can see is myself waking up in that hotel room.

My phone rings. I had put it down on the couch, and Nick accidentally sat on it.

"Let me get that for you." He reaches under his butt and picks it up, looking at who's calling.

He throws the phone down and gets up off the couch, storming away. I look at my phone. It's Harry.

"Nick, please calm down so we can talk." He walks into the bedroom and I follow.

"How would you feel if I had an ex fiancé calling me, huh?" He goes into the closet and quickly comes out holding his gym back.

"Nick, he just wants to talk." He brushes past me, pushing me a little.

"I'll be at the gym."

"Nick." He slams the door behind him.

I stand there for a while just staring at the door. Waiting it for it to open. Eventually I walk back to the couch and see my phone sitting there. I pick it up and throw it, screaming. I then lie down on the couch. Staring at the ceiling all I can think about is them. They won't get out of my head. I start moving my hand down my body. Either imagining or remembering how they touched each part of me. Every inch of me has been tainted. He wasn't wrong, I really do belong to him. I quickly get up and go to the bedroom closet and open the door to see a full-length mirror hanging from it. I take off all my clothes and look at myself. When I look in the mirror I don't see Olivia Benson. I see a stranger. This body doesn't feel like mine anymore. Where there used to be fire in my eyes, there's now sadness. I no longer stand with confidence. I see the bruising mainly on my thighs and arms. I take my hand and start tracing the bruises on my thigh.

 _His hands are at my thighs. Someone else's hands are holding my arms down. I'm squirming, but every time I get even an inch up, I'm pushed back down. I want to scream, but I don't seem to have the energy in me. I'm using everything I have left to keep my legs together. I feel them torn apart. I feel the weight of the bed change, his knees holding my legs open, the other hands holding me down let go and his replace them._

" _A slut like you has to do anal all the time."_

 _There's no more air in the room._

 _I feel a sharp pain and scream_

" _Stop with the acting, I'm not the first dick in here."_

I just look at whoever is in the mirror for a little longer, shower, and then put pajamas on.

I need something to eat. I go into the kitchen and decide to just make some rice. When I'm finished I go to call Nick. Only to bump into a very big problem, I have no idea where my phone is. Instead I take two Benadryl and get into bed. My bed. Not that bed.

All I hear is banging on the door. It must be two am at this point. I look in the peephole and I am not surprised. I open the door and Nick comes in, drunk.

"Uh, Nick, where's your gym bag?"

"Who the fuck cares." I just watch him laugh.

All I see is all these quick flashes of drugged me.

"No." Did I just say that out loud?

"Huh?" Nick looks at me.

"You're sleeping on the couch. Don't even think of coming into the bedroom, because I'm locking the door. I start walking towards the bedroom and he grabs my arm.

I feel them grabbing me.

I pull my arm out of his grip.

"Don't ever fucking touch me like that again. I will knock you out. Make yourself useful and find my phone." I walk into the bedroom and immediately start crying. I cry myself to sleep.

I hear a knocking at the bedroom door. I get up and open it. Nick is there, phone in hand. I take it from him.

"Olivia, I really am sorry about last night. I heard you crying and…" I can tell he feels guilty.

"I feel nothing for Harry. I love you Nick, and I don't see myself stopping anytime soon."

"You're right, please let me make this up to you."

"How?"

"I need some brainstorming on that." He gives me a smile and I let out a little laugh.

"Okay, come get your clothes for work."

Walking into the precinct, I just go right to my desk, and plug my headphones into my laptop.

I hear a noise and look up. My heart stops, it's Melinda. I take my headphones out and look at her, freezing. She has no problem talking.

"We need to talk."


	4. Chapter 4

"What are you doing here?"

"I already asked your Captain and he said he was okay with you taking a break."

We're sitting in a diner at a booth, across from another. She can see the fumes coming out of my head.

"You haven't said a word to me."

"Yeah, Melinda, because I have no words." I cross my arms.

"What was I supposed to do? You weren't answering any of my calls or texts. I knew work would be the one place I could find you."

"Good afternoon ladies, can I get you anything to drink?" I'm pretty sure the waitress could feel the tension.

"I'll just have some water." I smile awkwardly at the waitress.

"I'll take the same." Melinda sounds so calm.

"I think we're ready to order." Melinda looks at me.

"I won't have anything, thank you."

"Are you sure, Olivia?" I nod my head. "I'll have the cheeseburger then."

"That'll be out shortly." The waitress walks away.

"I can't ignore what happened."

"Yeah, what happened?"

"Here you go, ladies." The waitress puts two glasses of water on the table. The second she leaves the fight continues.

"Don't make me say it, Olivia."

"Do it!" I slam my hand down on the table, I get some looks from the other people in the diner.

"You were gang raped." I feel something inside me, it's a mix of panic, sadness, and denial.

I stand up from the booth.

"No. That's not true, that's not what happened. I lied. I lied about all of it. I cheated on Nick." I storm away, going for the door.

"You didn't cheat on him, because you didn't consent. Those memories of them raping you will never go away!" She screams this at me, still at the booth. I turn around. Everyone is staring at me. Everyone knows. I walk towards her, furious.

"Nothing happened to me. So, shut the fuck up before I make you." In this fit of rage, I pick up one of those glasses of water and throw it in her face. "Don't ever contact me again." I storm out of the diner.

Walking back the precinct it finally hits me what I just did. What just happened. Should I go back? No. There's no going back.

" _I own your pussy"_

"Get out of my fucking head!" I am now the crazy women screaming in the streets.

" _I own your pussy."_

I storm into the precinct. If anyone even looks at me the wrong way, it's over. I get to my desk. I should do some work.

I am literally counting down the minutes until I go home. I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to be anywhere anymore. I get up and go to the bathroom. Going in a stall and locking it, I sit on the ground not caring, and I start crying.

I hear someone else enter the bathroom.

"Liv, Nick is looking for you." I get up and leave the stall, quickly throwing some water on my face. I look in the mirror. I look fine. I am fine.

"Thanks, Amanda." She holds the door open for me and I leave the bathroom.

I see Nick holding my purse and he hands it to me.

"Come on, it's time to go home."

"So how are you going to make it up to me?" I walk in the door and he's in front of me. He turns around.

I close the door and then he comes and pushes me into it, kissing me.

"I'm going to bring you pure pleasure." He picks me up, takes me to the bedroom, and throws me on the bed. I'm biting my lip waiting for what he does next. He kisses my neck, holding me down. He takes me and flips me onto my stomach.

" _No." I'm trying to fight the hands holding me still and then throwing me on the bed. I land on my stomach and try to get up, but I'm pushed back down._

I freeze. Nick starts to undo my pants, but he can clearly feel that something is off.

"Olivia is everything okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, just, close the door and turn the lights off please."

"Oh, come on, we're back here?"

"You're making this up to me remember?" I hear him sigh.

"Fine." I hear the door close and things get dark.

He comes back to the bed, I haven't moved.

"I want you to really fuck me, pretend that you're raping me. Pretend that you're forcing me."

"Liv, I do not feel comfortable with that."

"Do it. It's what I want."

"Liv."

"I want you to hold me down and be really rough."

"Where is this coming from?"

"I think I get off on being degraded." I need to prove that I liked what they did to me.

"Okay, trying new things in the bedroom is healthy. I guess we can try this."

"One more thing. I need you to tell me…" I take a second to breathe. "You, uh, you, well you, own my, my uhm, my pussy." I whisper the last word, that sentence was hard to get out.

"If that's what you need. If that's what I need to do for redemption, I guess I can."

I feel him take my pants off and then grab my wrists with one hand, pinning them over my head, again.

I feel them.

It's just Nick, Olivia.

It's just Nick, Olivia.

It's not them, I am at home in my bedroom.

I feel my pants being pulled down and him entering me. He's being so gentle. I want rough. I want to be hurt.

"Harder, you can do better. What if I told you I sometimes fantasize about Harry."

I feel his breathing getting heavier and his thrusts harder.

It's just Nick.

I'm safe.

"Yeah, well I own your pussy." Fuck, I can't do this. No, I want this. I like this. No.

"Stop!" I scream this, and he immediately stops, taking himself out of me.

"I thought this was what I wanted, but I don't. I didn't want it then, and I don't want it now." I'm doing everything to hold back tears.

"I'm just going to take a shower." I look at Nick and he just looks lost.

Once out of the shower I see he has made dinner. Well not really made, heated up. I'm really not hungry, but I sit down at the table, where a plate, fork, and water are laid out and I start eating.

"Liv."

"Please, let's forget this. You know what I said about Harry was just to rile you up, right?"

"I know. Just tell me what's going on." I need to think quickly.

"I'm upset about work. I just want to be on a case. I keep beating myself up for what I did to Cragen." That isn't a lie.

"Oh Olivia, it's going to be okay. Don't you see how much better it is when you're open and honest? Doesn't it feel good to get things off your chest?"

"Yeah." If only I was open and honest.

"Please, can we forget that mess and just eat."

"Of course, Olivia. I love you. I would go to the end of the earth for you. You know I have my problems, but I still love you."

"I know. I have my problems too. Even though we've been fighting a lot lately, I haven't stopped loving you. I also know, you have your issues, but you've been working on them. At the end of the day, that's all that counts."

"How did I get so lucky?"

"Come on, let's try it again. This time, keeping it simple." I smile at him, and he lets out a chuckle.

"Just remember lights stay off."

"Well yeah, your shadow is so sexy."

After we had sex, successfully, I was just lying there in his arms. In that moment, everything felt okay.

Eventually reality comes crashing down, and things really aren't okay. I move away from him, not letting him touch me anymore. I am not okay.

" _I own your pussy."_


	5. Chapter 5

My anxiety was so high even the Benadryl didn't work. I was up all night, but it felt like years. We're sitting in the car. Of course, Nick is driving.

"Nick?"

"Yeah?"

"I have a weird question." I look at him

"Go for it, weirdo." I didn't even register what he was getting at then.

"I know we always tell the victims it's not their fault, but what if it is?"

"What?" His whole face is contorting.

"Like, they were asking for it, or they didn't fight hard enough? We're just plain stupid?"

We get to a red-light car and he looks at me. "Never."

I wish I could believe that. But, I think I deserve it, no one else.

The day goes on per usual. I'm just holding out until tomorrow. Tomorrow, Friday, will be a good day. Once we're home I'm just not there mentally. I'm just waiting until I can go to sleep.

Thursday Night

I look at my phone, I have so many unread messages from Nick. Instead of answering, I decide to take a nap. I wake up to someone banging on the door. I open it, Jays there.

I open my eyes, sweating. I finally remember what he looks like. I quickly grab my phone writing him down in notes. I put the phone down and look for Nick. I just want him to hold me. I snuggle into him. I want to feel safe again.

"Olivia, what are you doing?" He's half asleep.

"Just hold me."

"What? I thought I had to be 20 feet away from you when sleeping?" I smack him. "Ow, you know I was going to do it." He turns over and takes me in his arms.

"Nick, I need to tell you something." There's no response, he's fallen asleep. I whisper, "Something bad happened."

" _You guys wait here with her, I'm going to get us a room." I know I'm sitting in a car, but it takes so much to pick my head up. I only have tunnel vision. I keep tightly closing and rubbing my eyes hoping it'll make me able to see clearly again. It isn't working._

" _Our plans are still on for tomorrow, right?" Someone to the left of me is talking._

" _Yeah, but I'm gonna be so tired." I hear laughing all around me._

" _All right come one guys we're all clear. Let's take her through the service entrance." I feel hands pulling me, guiding me somewhere. I assume it's to the room. I'm trying to get free, and I do. I just plop to the ground, I'm trying to get up, but I don't have the strength. I hear laughing surrounding me._

I wiggle out of his arms, and just go to the shower.

I just want to be able to see their faces. The thing is, now that I see Jays face, I just want to forget it.

Walking into the station I have a feeling of confidence.

The second Nick and I get to the bullpen, Cragen calls us over to his office.

"Detective Amaro and Benson, come here." Did I do something?

"The two of you work well together. There's someone in the interrogation room. Amanda, Finn, it feels like no one can crack him. We picked him up in connection to a rape case late last night. He had motive and opportunity, it's him. Bart Wilson is in interrogation room three. Here's the case file, study it before you go in there."

I start to walk away. "Welcome back Olivia." I smile at him.

This could work.

Nick holds the door open for me. I stay standing, back against the wall. Nick Sits down.

"Great a new set of idiots?"

My phone keeps buzzing. I take it out of my pocket and look.

"I'll be right back." I get out of that room as soon as possible, getting to the bathroom. Once locked in a stall, I take my phone out again. I press for the voicemail to play.

"Hey, it's Sabrina. I know I disappeared, but there's a lot you didn't know. I don't know how much you remember from that night, maybe you remember it all. Either way, I was in debt." I hear a sigh. "I… I… set you up. I barely know more than you. The plan, drug and then mug you. I had no idea… I'm sorry. The reason you haven't heard form is because I overdosed, the guilt was too much." I can hear she's crying. "I know there were four of them, one was the bartender, they took you to a hotel room because they think motels are sleezy, and they raped you. I'm sorry. Most of this I found out after the fact. You have no idea how this feels. If you let your past go, it doesn't mean that your past will let you go. Goodbye, I guess."

My heart is pounding. It's real. All of it is real. I put my phone back in my pocket and get back to the interrogation room. I go back to standing against the wall. It all hits me.

" _So, Olivia, what do you do for a living?" I finish my drink._

" _I edit and direct videos for a medical company. I'm sorry, I never asked your name." Whenever I say what I do for a living people get weird, so I lie._

" _Tom."_

" _Okay, Tom, what's your job?"_

" _Hey Jay, can we get another drink?" Apparently, that's the bartenders name. "I'm a ceo at a toy company. Not too interesting."_

 _Jay puts another drink in front of me. "I really shouldn't have another. I'm already starting to feel drunk."_

" _Come on." Another man comes and sits on the other side of me. "You haven't even met my friend."_

 _I look at Tom's friend, I see him looking me up and down._

" _Wow you are smoking."_

 _I'm blushing._

 _My body is getting weak and my brain is getting fuzzy._

" _Come on Olivia, let's go." I feel hands leading me, until I'm outside the club._

" _I can't go with you guys. I need to find my French."_

" _Okay, just come with us this way. Jay." I'm whisked away and put into a car. I'm in the middle seat sandwiched by two men. One of them puts his hand on my thigh. I use all my energy to smack it. I feel my hair being grabbed._

" _You'll regret that."_

" _No, Sub. She'll be concert."_

" _Trust me when I tell you fighting it will do nothing for you." He lets go of my hair. My head is so heavy._

" _You guys wait here with her, I'm going to get us a room." I know I'm sitting in a car, but it takes so much to pick my head up. I only have tunnel vision. I keep tightly closing and rubbing my eyes hoping it'll make me able to see clearly again. It isn't working._

" _Our plans are still on for tomorrow, right?" Someone to the left of me is talking._

" _Yeah, but I'm gonna be so tired." I hear laughing all around me._

" _All right come on guys we're all clear. Let's take her through the service entrance." I feel hands pulling me, guiding me somewhere. I assume it's to the room just mentioned. I'm trying to get free, and I do, but once the hands let me go I just plop to the ground, I'm trying to get up, but I don't have the strength. I hear laughing surrounding me. Hands come and pick me up again. They lead me to a room, I see the door open and then being led inside. I hear the door close, I'm trapped._

" _Come on just get on the bed."_

" _No." I'm trying to fight the hands holding me still and then throwing me on the bed. I land on my stomach and try to get up, but I'm pushed back down._

" _Police."_

" _They're not coming to save you." I hear the voice whisper in my ear._

" _No, me pepper onion."_

" _I told you it was pointless to fight it, now let's get that dress off you." I feel someone taking my shoes off._

" _Place." I'm picked up again and they take my dress off, I feel cold._

" _Cold."_

" _Let me warm you up."_

" _No." I'm trying to fight the hands holding me still and then throwing me on the bed. I land on my stomach and try to get up, but I'm pushed back down._

 _His hands are at my thighs. Someone else's hands are holding my arms down. I'm squirming, but every time I get even an inch up, I'm pushed back down. I want to scream, but I don't seem to have the energy in me. I'm using everything I have left to keep my legs together. I feel them torn apart. I feel the weight of the bed change, his knees holding my legs open, the other hands holding me down let go and his replace them._

" _A slut like you has to do anal all the time."_

 _There's no more air in the room._

 _I feel a sharp pain and scream_

" _Stop with the acting, I'm not the first dick in here." I close my eyes, preparing for the pain._

 _I dig my head into the pillows moaning in pain._

 _I hear his moans of pleasure._

" _I can tell you're enjoying this."_

" _No." I feel his fingers inside me._

" _I can feel it, slut. My turn is over." He gets off me. I try to get up, but someone pushes me back down._

" _I love feeling you squirm under me." He grabs my hair and shoves my head down, he keeps holding my hair forcing me down with his body. I feel him enter me._

" _Sub is locking for me."_

" _Liv, no one's looking for you. Sub watched you leave the club with us."_

 _I feel the tears going down my face. It's getting hard to breathe._

 _I start coughing, into the pillows._

" _She's going to throw up.'_

" _Trust me, she's not. This isn't our first rodeo."_

" _No." Those are the only words I can seem to get out of my mouth since the weight on me makes me feel like I can't breathe. He's just sitting inside of me. This is more torture than the actual rape._

" _Please moon." I hear laughter._

" _She wants more!"_

" _Okay, finish up, it's my turn._

" _Fine."_

 _It seems likes hours later he gets off me._

" _Here you go, sir." Laughter again._

 _He gets off me and this time I just stay. The fight is not worth it._

" _I love how complainant you are." He traces his hand down my back._

" _Hell." This is the only word to escape my mouth._

 _He sticks his hand in my mouth. He tastes so salty._

 _I feel him enter me vaginally and I'm actually thankful._

" _I'm next." He whispers this in my ear._

 _This one finally finishes, removing his hand and wiping it on my face._

 _I'm flipped over onto my back. I move my head to the side, staring at the wall._

 _He enters me, with more force than the others._

 _I'm trying to to stay stop, but it's incoherent. The tears flow more, because of the pain._

 _I never realized what a nice color the walls are._

 _I feel hands on my throat._

 _I would have chosen a different color, definitely not yellow._

 _The hands tighten, choking me. I won't fight back, I just want to die._

 _He takes his hands off my throat, grabbing my breasts. Squeezing them, it hurts. I turn my head to look at him. He shoves back so I'm looking at the wall._

 _All I can manage is to let out a groan._

 _He kisses me on the cheek and gets off the bed._

 _I would've chosen a blue, it's calming._

" _We're done here."_

 _The world is getting dark, and it's getting harder and harder to keep my eyes open. I feel a weight on me again. I don't care what they do anymore._

" _I own your pussy." I hear that voice whisper to me. He then kisses on the lips by grabbing my face, and the weight is lifted._

 _I hear footsteps and then a door close. I finally give in and let the darkness fully consume me._

"Just admit it, it'll feel better." I'm brought out of my trance to realize where I am and what's happening.

"I believe you're innocent." I jump in. I hope whatever I just said makes sense.

"You have nothing on me. I want my lawyer." Nick gets up and starts for the door so I do too.

Once outside the interrogation room, Nick is staring at me. I can tell I messed up.

"Nice work detective" He storms off.

I stand there in shock.

I try to act "normal" the rest of the day, but I feel everyone's eyes on me.

We're in the car, on the way home.

Drive by The Cars starts playing.

"Do you remember the first time we heard this song?" I look at him and I see I got a smile out of him.

"How could I forget."

"We were on a road trip and your stupid radio or something got broken."

"Yeah, and this song played on repeat for three fucking hours." We both laugh.

"Nick, I really am sorry. I've just been so stuck in my own head. I'm a fuck up. I know."

"No, I've been going through my own stuff too. It's not on just on you."

"I really do love you Nick."

"Well, I'm literally driving you home." We laugh again.

Friday Night

I put the bottle and the cup on the nightstand and get under the covers. I close my eyes knowing what I had just done.

Nick walks through the door, regretful.

"Olivia, can we talk. I messed up, again." He walks into the bedroom, turning on the lights.

Once he sees her laying there, he runs over to the bed.

"No, no, no. I'm sorry, you have to know that. I am, please." He gets on the bed holds her body. He takes her in his arms, rocking back and forth crying.


	6. Chapter 6

"I'm sorry, but she's gone."

"No, you have to be wrong, she can't be dead."

"We did everything we could."

I sit down on one of the hospital chairs. The world was spinning around me. I run my hands through my hair and then down my face, crying. I get up and walk out. I completely forgot that Olivia's body was still there, because she was still in my head. All I could think and see is Olivia's body when I found her.

I get in the car, full of memories, and get to the station. I walk in and get everyone's attention.

"After anyone loses anyone to suicide, it's a strange feeling. We hate them, but we still have love left for them. Besides the point, I'm taking this time to say I quit the force." I make this announcement to my colleagues and walk out. I forgot to mention that Olivia's dead, I can't tell them.

I walk into the apartment and all I can see is her. I just lose it, smashing everything.

"FUCK!" I just scream this at the top of my lungs. I then remember, I need to get back to the hospital. I go back out the door to the hospital.

Once I get home I see her phone and decide to look through it, looking at who I should inform about her death. I see all these texts and then a voicemail from Sabrina, I listen to it. This is Olivia's last voicemail. I press play.

"I'm going to kill her." I go for the door, but instead just cry, my life is over.

I would have taken my own life, but I'm too scared of death. I know what to do instead.

The world is standing still. Everything is crumbling. My sanity seems to be disappearing.

I go to Sabrina's door and knock. I waited until night time. She opens it and I take my gun out and point it at her.

"Get inside, we have to talk." She backs up and I get inside and close the door.

"Sit."

"What is this about?" She's shaking.

"This, this is about Olivia Benson."

"I'm so sorry."

"So am I." I put the gun up and pull the trigger, killing her.

I take out my phone and call 911.

"I'd like to report a murder. I did it, I murdered her." I hang up the phone.

Death doesn't seem so scary anymore, I just killed someone. I just caused death. I take the gun and put it to my head.


End file.
